


Charisma Check

by Giroshane



Category: Overwatch (Video Game)
Genre: Dirty Jokes, Dungeons & Dragons 5th Edition, Embarrassing Situations, Humor, M/M, a dash of angst, rip lucio, so many dirty jokes
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-03-06
Updated: 2017-03-06
Packaged: 2018-09-29 22:48:10
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,677
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10146383
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Giroshane/pseuds/Giroshane
Summary: Gencio Week Day 7: LaughterOur heroes (Lúcio, Lena, Ana, and Reinhardt) face a very ridiculous situation when a new NPC decides to cause trouble on their campaign. Lúcio makes a mistake. Lena takes an interest in dentistry. Reinhardt makes spontaneous renovations. Ana is a proud mama. McCree has never been this happy to be the DM.





	

**Author's Note:**

> Yes, this was mostly inspired by The Adventure Zone. Yes, there will be sneaky references to The Adventure Zone. Yes, I did actual research into D&D rules, races, classes, and lore for this. No, I have no regrets.

“Okay, I'm gonna need y’all to make a perception check.”

“Hmph. Three.” Reinhardt frowned.

“Seven.” Lena whined.

“And Oryx is still unconscious.” McCree said. Ana rolled anyway.

“Seventeen!”

“Alright--you actually see behind the vase, there’s a cute dog! But it's not real because you're dreaming, because you're unconscious.” McCree deadpanned. Ana shrugged, and Jesse turned to Lúcio.

“You’re Obi Wan!” Lena said. Lúcio frowned confusedly.

“You're our only hope.” She clarified.

“Oh. Well, uh, hm,” He looked down at his dice, “will a thirteen do it?”

“Oof, unlucky number.” McCree whistled, shaking his head. Everyone in the group groaned. “So close though. Wolfram, Bowie, you see nothing, you don't notice a single damn thing. Oryx, you're peacefully dreaming of puppies. Mirtilo, you don't really hear anything, but a weird shiver goes up your spine. You turn on instinct but it's too late to warn everyone else. Dropping down from the ceiling is a...well, at best you can guess they’re humanoid. Because they are dressed head to toe in all black, you can't even tell what race they are.”

“Shit. A ninja.” Lena said. 

“I call out to the others,” Lúcio said. “Guy--”

“Nope, you’re actually going to have to make a dexterity saving throw.” Jesse shook his head.

“What?” Lúcio protested.

“Y’see, the fella in black knows you're the only one seeing ‘em. They’re gonna try and make an opportunity attack against you to incapacitate you before you raise the alarm.” Jesse explained. Lúcio grumbled and rolled.

“Fuck. Ten.”

“Okay. You manage to dodge their go at your throat, but in doing so you slip, and they grab you. They heft you over their shoulder like a sack of potatoes--”

“I scream out.” 

“Okay, you do--”

“Help!” Lúcio cried out in character, then: “I give a sad little bugle toot.”

Everyone snickered, even Jesse, but the man continued.

“--but the ninja, just as fast as they appeared, runs around the corner with you over their shoulder. The rest of you turn, but they're already gone.”

“Can I roll to see if Mirtilo’s scream woke me up?” Ana asked. After a pause to think, Jesse asked: “How long’s it been?”

“Since we entered the shrine? About…” Reinhardt tapped his chin. “Ten minutes, I think.”

“Okay, I'll allow it. Roll...hm...constitution or perception?” Jesse looked to the rest of the group.

“That would be constitution,” Genji commented, from his seat on the window ledge across the recreation room, looking up from his book, “Since she’d still be fighting against the sleep spell.” 

“You got a point. Constitution it is.” Jesse said. Ana rolled.

“Oh for the love of--eight? Is eight any good?”

“Hm...here we go.” Jesse checked his sheets. “You startle awake, but you're heavily disoriented. And you're upside down, since you're still slung over Wolfram’s shoulder.”

“Ah! What's going on? Where am I!?” Ana cried in character. Out of character, she added, “I flail.”

“Okay,” Jesse snorted. “Wolfram, make a dexterity check.”

Reinhardt rolled, and gasped.

“No! A Critical fail!”

“Don't you have a modifier?” Lena asked incredulously. Reinhardt shrugged helplessly.

“I do for strength! Uh...I have a modifier of plus one. So two.” 

Jesse couldn't help but laugh.

“Wow, okay. So not only does Oryx wriggle outta your hold, she kicks you in the face on her way down… Ana roll damage.”

Amidst the protests and incredulous cries of the rest of the group, Ana rolled. And immediately started choking on laughter.

“Oh m-my--ten.”

The table erupted.

“ _ Ten damage _ ?” Jesse howled, rocking back in his chair. “Holy shit, Ana!”

“Ow!” Reinhardt looked to Ana, betrayed. 

“I'm so sorry, Reinhardt!” Ana managed.

“Did she kick out a tooth!?” Lena smacked the table.

“Holy  _ shit. _ ” Genji cackled, distracted from his book again.

“I start looking for a tooth.”

Lúcio buried his face in his hands, stifling his own laughter.

“I'm doomed.” He muttered.

“Hold on, hold on--let me get this straight. Your bard got kidnapped, this has managed to awaken your unconscious wizard, but she’s startled and managed to  _ kick the teeth out of your fighter _ . The rogue is now searching the ground for his  _ teeth _ .” Jesse pointed to each player in question, still trying to restrain his laughter.

“I’m so doomed.” Lúcio repeated. 

“Okay, okay, you three are a mess. Let’s switch to Mirtilo.” Jesse shook his head again. He turned to Lúcio.

“The ninja carries you through this tangle of halls, until they’re sure that they’re not being followed.” Jesse described. “Finally they stop outside a small door in the hall. It’s the not the only door, but it looks kind of different from every door you’ve seen so far--it’s less fancy, and you start to think that it might be a supply closet.”

Lena mock-gasped.

“They’re gonna put you back in the closet.” 

“Nooooo.” Lúcio wailed, running his hands down his face. “Not the closet. I can’t go back in the closet!”

Jesse was holding in his laughter.

“Are you saying this in character?”

“You know what, yes.” Lúcio decided. He adopted his character voice. “Don’t put me in the closet, please! I already came out once, I don’t wanna do it again! It was hard enough the first time!...and I’m struggling in the ninja’s arms.”

“Roll strength.”

“Aw, hell.” Lúcio grimaced, rolling. He gasped. “Fuck yes! A crit!”

“ _ Twenty _ ?” 

“Fuck yes man. I twentied that motherfucker!” Lúcio hooted triumphantly. “I don’t even got a strength modifier!”

“I know, and you fucking  _ critted _ .” Jesse said incredulously. He ran his hand down his face. “Alright, alright. Holy hell. Wait, you  _ have  _ a strength modifier, it’s just negative.”

“Oh, shit, right. Minus two. Eighteen.”

“That’s still good. You manage to scramble out of the ninja’s arms, somehow. I’m going to attribute it to your small size.”

“And hella agility.”

“Sure, fine, hella agility.”

“Do I kick the ninja in the face on the way down, too?”

“No, because you got an eighteen, but you knock them back a bit.” 

“Okay. I scream at them: NO CLOSET! And I run.” Lúcio said. The rest of the group laughed.

“He pities the fool who tries to put him back in the closet!” Reinhardt said.

“I’m  _ done  _ with them!” Lúcio cried in character. More laughter. 

“Alright. Well, unfortunately...the ninja throws something at your legs as you run. You need to make another dexterity saving throw.” Jesse said. Lúcio grumbled a curse in portuguese as he rolled.

“First a twenty and now this? Dice, what the fuck?” He asked rhetorically. “Five.”

“Wow, no.” Jesse shook his head emphatically. “Something hits the back of your legs and wraps around them, pulling your legs together and tripping you completely. The ninja threw a bolas at you, and you land on your face.”   


“Owwww.” Lúcio grimaced. “I roll over.”

“The ninja is looming over you, they have a sword drawn and pointed at your neck. They are definitely not playing any games.”

“Oh god, oh no.”

“Wait, wait! What about us?” Lena cried. 

“What about you?”

“Well, I think by this point we’re obviously trying to find our stolen compatriot.” She pointed out. Ana and Reinhardt nod in agreement. 

“Yes.”

“I would say we are running through the halls looking for him.”

“Okay, but here’s the thing: that ninja took Mirtilo down a veritable maze of hallways. I cannot stress this to you enough guys: you are in a shrine to the god Mefathiel, the god of  _ trickery _ and  _ mischief _ .” Jesse said. “I’m going to need y’all to roll insight to see if you can figure out said maze.”

The three in question rolled. And simultaneously winced.

“Four.” Lena said.

“Four.” Reinhardt.

“Crit fail,” Ana sighed, “with modifier that only makes it a five.”

“Are you fucking  _ serious _ ?” Lúcio said. Jesse cackled.

“Y’all are so goddamn  _ useless _ .” 

“Rest in pieces, Lú.” Hana called from the couch, managing to perk up from her handheld game long enough to chime in. Genji was simply snickering.

“Is there anything I can do to keep this guy from killing me?” Lúcio pleaded with Jesse. The man shrugged.

“Well, ain’t that up to you, compadre?” Jesse shot back. Lúcio scrambled through his spell sheets.

“Shit, shit, uh… fuck. If I reach for my bugle will he just immediately stab me?” He asked.

“I’d go so far as to say your bugle was knocked from your hands when you fell since you rolled so low.” Jesse told him.

“Ohhhh my god. Uh.” Lúcio, settling on a spell, held a finger in the air. “I quickly gesture and cast Mage Hand.”

“You know you can’t use that to attack, right?” Jesse raised an eyebrow.

“I know. I use it to shove them away.” Lúcio explained. In character: “I said no closets!”

Jesse laughed and nodded.

“That’s fair. Lemme roll a strength check… well, I’ll be,” He eyed his dice. “That’s a ten.” 

“No  _ sir! _ ” Lúcio crowed.

“The ninja is knocked back a good ways.” 

“I untangle my legs and stand up.”

“Ok, but they  _ are _ a ninja. So by the time you’re on your feet, they’re already recovered. In fact, they’re  _ more _ than just a ninja. Before you can do anything else, they seem to tap something under their shirt, and cast Dispel Magic. Your Mage Hand is gone.”

“Okay now you’re just cheating!” Ana cried, crossing her arms. “The ninja can’t also be a wizard.”

“Maybe they ain’t a wizard, but, in fact, a paladin with a very high amount of stealth.” Jesse told her matter-of-factly. She huffed and threw her hands in the air.

“So, what do you do now, Mirtilo?”

Lúcio considered his options. “The ninja can see me. He has a weapon drawn, and magic. Is there any kind of hallway I can run down nearby?”

“It’s about fifteen feet down the hall you’re in. Other than that, several doors. Likely locked. The closet isn’t, but that is behind the ninja and completely useless to you.”

“And my bugle is still on the ground.”

“Yes.”

“And they’ll probably attack me if I go for it.”

“Yessir.”

“Fuck.” Lúcio tapped the table. “Uh...shit, man. We’re kinda at an impasse here--”   


“No no, I’d say this ninja definitely has the upper hand here.” Jesse deadpanned. Lúcio scowled at him.

“Fine. I try to be diplomatic.” In character, he spoke: “What the fuck, dude?”

“They don’t respond.” Jesse shook his head.

“No, dude, I’m serious. I get that we’re trespassing. I do. Okay? But, how about you lower your weapon, let me pick up my bugle, and I’ll  _ explain _ ?” Lúcio tried.

“Still nothin’. They are staring at you very intensely. You get the feeling if you try to make any kind of move, you’re chop liver.”

Lúcio pursed his lips. Well...if the standard routes weren’t working...take the road less travelled.

“Fuck it. I roll to seduce the ninja.”

“ _ What _ ?” Jesse’s eyes widened. Lena stifled a snort. Ana clapped her hands together.

“Yessss, that’s my boy! Do what Mama Oryx would do!” 

“I can’t believe for once it’s not Ana.” Lena giggled.

Jesse let out a labored sigh...but then he raised his eyebrows. He shot an odd look to Lúcio that immediately made the musician think twice.

“So you’re gonna try to  _ seduce _ the  _ ninja _ ?” Jesse said, a smile edging onto his face. He gave a small tilt of his head, and suddenly Lúcio remembered who else was in the room. 

Genji.

Lúcio’s face immediately heated up, but he wasn’t about to back down so easily. Although he made a note to  _ never _ tell the DM anything personal ever again. Like a crush. Ever. Again. Fuck.

“Yup. I…” Lúcio swallowed his pride. “I kind of put my hands on my hips, and lean to the side, and uh, make this kinda face at them,” He demonstrated what could almost amount to a “come hither” look, to the snickers of Reinhardt and Lena, and the devious grin of Ana, “and I say: you’ve got some real pretty eyes there, fella.”

Jesse choked on air.

“R--roll a--roll charisma.”

“Eleven. Plus eight modifier is nineteen.” 

“Okay. That...whatever the ninja was expecting, it  _ wasn’t _ that.” Jesse managed. “They’re kind of...taken a little off guard? They lower their weapon a little, but you’re not out of the woods yet.”

“Their eyes are the only thing I can see of their face, right?” Lúcio asked. Jesse nodded. “What color are they?”

“Uh...I’d say a soft, dark brown.” Jesse answered. “There are lanterns along the wall, and the ninja is close enough that it sort of... reflects? In their eyes? And they shine almost a bit gold.”

Jesse knew exactly what the fuck he was doing, the bastard. Lúcio snuck a glance at the  _ real _ ninja in the room, with eyes exactly matching that description. Genji didn’t seem aware of what was going on, engrossed in his book. But he was wearing his faceplate, so for all Lúcio knew Genji was secretly listening. But, not watching. So he couldn’t see Lúcio’s face. That was something, at least.

“I do have to say, fella, you look like you’ve got gold spun into your eyes.” He said in character, in the most flirtatious voice he could manage.

“Alright, you can’t see it, but the ninja is  _ definitely _ blushing. They’re really trying not to let their guard down.” Jesse said, grinning.

“You know, if you are going to kill me, which seems like your M.O.,” Lúcio sighed dreamily, but also resignedly, “I’d say a good dying wish would be to see what face those gorgeous eyes belonged to.”

“Roll another charisma check.”

Lúcio hissed as he looked at his dice.

“Eight, plus modifier is sixteen.”

Jesse thought for a moment, before smiling.

“They don’t obey, but you can see in their lovely eyes they’re conflicted. Finally, they say: I shouldn’t.” Jesse made his voice a little smoother, flattening his accent. 

“But wouldn’t it be at least honorable, to know the face of the...fella who brought about my end on this good green earth?” Lúcio tried.

“Roll one more time.”

“Fifteen,” Lúcio grinned. “Plus eight. Twenty-three.”

“Ooh, you got ‘em.” Jesse grinned too, but there was only mischief in it, immediately squashing Lúcio’s sense of triumph. “Your appeal to their honor is what convinces them. The ninja doesn’t sheathe their sword, but they do tug off their headgear. You see that this ninja is an elf, which definitely suits their ninja tendencies. All in all they’re very handsome: they’ve got high cheekbones, not super prominent, but there. Smooth features, straight nose. Their dark eyebrows are...well, I gotta say, they’re on  _ point _ . Their hair is a little long, and swept back and out of the way of their face. It’s  _ bright _ green, which is a little unusual for acolytes of Mefathiel, who if they color their hair, they color it blue in honor of their deity. They’re looking at you, kind of fascinated, still torn.”

Lúcio inhaled.

“ _ I hate you so much _ .” He hissed in Portuguese. It was similar enough to the spanish equivalent that Jesse caught the meaning. He laughed.

“ _ You brought this on yourself. _ ” He retorted in spanish. Lúcio was lucky he’d been studying enough to catch that. He glowered at Jesse. Jesse just shot him a smug grin.

Lúcio risked a glance to the rest of his party. Lena and Reinhardt were simply grinning in amusement as they watched the show. Ana though. Ana held that knowing look, that knowing look that meant she  _ knew _ exactly what was going on. Lúcio would honestly not mind disappearing right about now. He inhaled. The show must go on.

“I step forward, and I look totally lovestruck and harmless.” He adopted his character voice. “Oh man, your ‘do is  _ fierce _ . I gotta tell ya, green is my  _ favorite _ color.” 

“Green is my favorite color too.” Jesse said in character. Lúcio could tell he was trying to sneakily do an impression of Genji’s voice. Oh god. He was going to strangle the cowboy. 

“Wait a minute! That’s a lie!” Lena cried. “Lúcio, you told us Mirtilo’s favorite color was blue!”

“Yes, because of your name!” Reinhardt agreed.

“Shoosh, you aren’t here.” Lúcio waved his hand dismissively.

“...Where are we, actually?” Ana asked. Jesse switched back to the other three with ease. 

“Roll another insight check.”

“Fourteen.”

“Seventeen.”

“Five.”

“Alright. Wolfram, you kind of have a sense of where you’re going. You probably caught a whiff of Mirtilo’s scent and have been following it, leading the others. Oryx, you likely heard Mirtilo’s scream of “no closet”, and are also on the right track with Wolfram. Bowie, you walk into a fucking wall.”

Lena sighed. “Of course I do.”

“The three of you are on the right track, but now that there’s no more yelling or anything you’re starting to be a little less sure of it. You’re close, but you haven’t found them.”

“I cast Locate Creature.” Ana said.

“Hmm...let me see.” Jesse checked his sheets. “You got bloodhound fur?”

Ana looked at her own sheets, then eyed Reinhardt out of the corner of her eye.

“Are you in hybrid form?”

“No! No, no, I’m going to stop that right now.” Jesse shook his head emphatically. Lena cackled.

“What?” Ana protested. “He’s a hound!”   


“He’s a  _ lycanthrope _ !”

“That’s still kind of a dog. A wolf, yes, but dog!” Ana argued. “Wolves are better than bloodhounds, I would say. Using his fur should work fine!”

“What, so you’re gonna  _ pluck _ the fur off of your friend’s  _ body _ ?” Jesse cried.

“Him being a furry has to be good for something.” Ana waved her hand dismissively. The entire table lost it. It took them all a good minute to recover.

“Okay, okay.  _ Fine _ .” Jesse wiped a tear from his eye. “I’ll leave it up to Reinhardt.”

“For you, I’ll take any form you want.” Reinhardt winked at Ana. The younger three at the table all made various noises of disgust. Ana ignored them.

“Well dear, I’m just going to need a bit of our fur to cast this spell so we can find our friend.” Ana said in character. 

“Of course.” Reinhardt beamed. “I’m in Hybrid form, I take out my dagger and cut off a bit of fur from my arm and give it to her.”

“Fine.” Jesse sighed, resigned.

“I cast Locate Creature.” Ana said triumphantly. “For Mirtilo.”

“Alright. He’s definitely within a thousand feet of you.” Jesse said. “He’s not too far, actually. You can sense that he’s kind of to the right of where you’re facing, and he’s standing mostly still. Unfortunately because you’re still in this maze, you can’t get a concrete path through it, but you’ve got that direction to go on.”

“Great. Onwards!” Ana cried in character. Jesse looked back to Lúcio. He quickly regained his mischievous grin.

“So. Where were we?” 

“Green.” Lúcio said.

“Right.” Jesse drawled. In character: “You don’t wear a lot of green for someone who says it’s your favorite color.”

“Mmmmmerchandising and all that.” Lúcio hummed. “I can explain that later.”

The rest of the party burst into laughter.

“Wait, is it possible the ninja knows you from your concerts in Gryphon’s Cliff?” Lena asked.

“I ain’t rollin’ for that.” Jesse shook his head. “I’m gonna say they don’t get out much. They’ve never been to the Griff Cliff.”

“Damn, that would have been useful.” Ana huffed.

“You imply there will be a later.” Jesse went back to his character voice. 

“For you, fofo, there could be.” Lúcio purred. Out of character: “That means ‘cutie.”

Lena and Ana were already laughing.

“Alright, I’m gonna say you called him that in halfling. The--”

“The ninja’s a ‘he’?” 

“Yeah, you can kind of perceive that now you’re close enough--”

“To see his package?” Lena interrupted, snickering. Lúcio’s face immediately burned. Jesse barked out a laugh.

“He  _ is _ a halfling. How tall is Mirtilo?”

“Three feet.” Lúcio huffed.

“No, no, no package viewing. The ninja’s well over five feet, so it’s close, but no. And he’s wearing all black, and it’s not too form-fitting, so you wouldn’t see much in terms of a “package” if you were looking for it.” 

“Ha!” Lúcio jabbed a finger at Lena. “You don’t win with your crotch viewing shit! Not today! Not today!”

Lena only cackled. Jesse shook his head and moved on.

“The ninja doesn’t understand halfling, but he can intuit you called him some kind of pet name. He is definitely flustered.” He said. “And, and he says: woah, uh, okay. I shouldn’t be doing this. He takes a step back.”

“I take one forward.” Lúcio returned. “Why not? I swear, I got no bad intentions. Well, not the kind of bad intentions you should be worried about.”

“Oh my  _ god _ .” Lena covered her mouth with her hand to try and muffle her gasp of laughter. Ana looked proud. Reinhardt looked impressed.

“I highly doubt you broke into this shrine just to... _ woo _ me.” Jesse said.

“That’s fair. How about this? You tell me who you are, and I’ll tell you who I am. That’s a fair trade, right?”

“How can I trust you?”

“You literally have me disarmed and at your mercy.” Lúcio said in the most suggestive way possible. 

“Wow, Lúcio, you’re almost as good as I am.” Ana raised her eyebrows.

“ _ Almost _ ?” Reinhardt shook his head. “Nein, as good as!”

Lúcio would bask in the praise if he wasn’t busy trying to inconspicuously see if Genji could hear any of this. The cyborg looked engrossed in his book. Thank God.

“I guess that is fair.” Jesse said in character, then: “Actually, hey Lú, roll charisma.”

“Fuck man, three. So total, eleven.”

“Okay.” The glint in Jesse’s eyes was far too devious. But he slipped back into his character voice. “I guess that is fair. I am an agent of Mefathiel, though not necessarily an acolyte. I was paying my respects to my deity when your company trespassed. It is not the first time I have come across vagabonds looking to loot a holy place.”

Lena snorted. She murmured something under her breath that Lúcio didn’t catch, but Reinhardt gasped and smacked her lightly. Ana had to muffle her laughter.

“Well, you’ve got it all wrong.” Lúcio shook his head. “We’re not looking to loot anything. We’re chasing after a powerful criminal. We chased them in here; they managed to sneak past the traps--we weren’t so lucky.”

“And without hesitation, you rattle off your name, and the names of your party.” Jesse added. “And the fact that you’re chasing after the master thief Ildrūd Goldsbane for his bounty.” 

“Fuck. He casted something, didn’t he, that’s why you made me roll charisma.”

“You didn’t notice him tap the spot over his chest, or mutter any kind of incantation. But after that deluge of information you gave him, you realize he cast Zone of Truth.” Jesse nodded. 

“How could I  _ not _ see that?” Lúcio protested.

“You got an eleven.”

“You were flirting too hard.” Ana sighed sadly, to the laughter of the others.

“The ninja looks surprised.” Jesse said. In character: “There’s someone else here then. With more nefarious purposes. I must apprehend them. Thank you for being honest with me.”

“You didn’t give me much choice.” Lúcio huffed.

“He looks a little sheepish, and apologetic. He says: I’m sorry, I had to be sure you were telling the truth. If it’s any consolation, I myself have been truthful. I really am an agent of Mefathiel. My name is…”

Jesse looked at Lúcio with a shit-eating grin.

“ _ Don’t you dare _ .” Lúcio whispered in portuguese. 

“Benji.” 

Lúcio hoped that every inch of his glare properly conveyed the fact that he was going to personally murder Jesse McCree in his sleep.

“Wow, creative much?” Lena commented dryly. 

“I think it’s funny.” Ana said, smiling knowingly at Lúcio.

“You’re still under the influence of Zone of Truth.” Jesse reminded Lúcio.

“Benji.” Lúcio managed through a forced smile. “Nice name.”

“Thank you. You have a lovely name as well.” 

“I…”   


“Zone of Truuuuuth.” Jesse sing-songed.

“I blush.” Lúcio allowed. In character: “Aw, shucks. Don’t hear that too often.”

“This spell must be faulty, that can’t be true.”

“Ooooh, smooooooth.” Lena cat-called.

“Hey, why don’t you focus on  _ finding me. _ ” Lúcio snapped.

“You seem to have it under control.” Ana shrugged. 

“You don’t know that.” Lúcio pointed out.

“Touché.”

“Actually, roll another insight, let’s see how close y’all are to your  _ poor _ bard.” Jesse said with a wink in Lúcio’s direction. 

“Fifteen.”

“Seventeen. Again.”

“Finally something higher than a ten!” Lena cried. “...eleven.”

“Alright. I’m gonna say it’s been about five minutes. Oryx, you see that the space between you and Mirtilo is about halved. You’re almost there.”

“Keep going!” Ana cried in character.

“Okay, back to you and dear Benji.” Jesse waggled his eyebrows. Again, Lúcio hoped his glare conveyed murder.

“I should really apprehend this Goldsbane.” Jesse said. “Benji kind of steps back, and he kind of looks off over his shoulder, as if he’s preparing to head in that direction.”

“Well, hey now.” Lúcio frowned. “If you take him down, you take the bounty. My friends won’t take too kindly to that.”

“Will you?”

“Nope, me neither.” Lúcio crossed his arms.

“Well, uh...I’m sure we could come to some kind of...arrangement.” It was Jesse’s turn to play the seductive. 

“Aha, the tables have turned.” Reinhardt commented, like a sports spectator. Lena joined in.

“Let’s see how the opponent reacts.”

Lúcio didn’t even pay attention to that. He spoke the first words that came to mind.

“Oh we could make lots of arrangements together, I’m sure.” 

“Holy  _ shit _ !” Lena gasped. Ana applauded. Lúcio wanted to die.

“Damn, I ain’t even gonna make you charisma roll for that.” Jesse shook his head, grinning. “Benji grins: I think I’d like that.” 

“Are we close now, can we hear him? I want to be able to hear this.” Ana said, “I want to hear the student become the master.”

“You’re close. Wouldn’t say hearing distance, per se, but you can sense he’s on the other side of the wall you’re walking along side. I’d say you can hear muffled talking.”

“I go up to the wall, and press my ear to it. Can I hear them clearly? I’m an elf, I have strong ears, please tell me I hear them.” Ana practically pleaded.

“Pretty much, it’s still muffled, but you can make out words, yes. And yeah, you know what? I’ll indulge ya. You hear Mirtilo’s “arrangement” line and Benji saying he’d like that.”

“Yes!” Ana pumped her fist. “I turn to the others: He’s going to fuck the ninja!”

Lúcio hid his face in his hands. This was too much.

“What, are you serious?” Lena said, in character. 

“They’re flirting, I can hear it!”

“He must be trying to buy time!” Reinhardt cried. “We must get to him!”

Reinhardt paused for a moment, then grinned.   


“Can I smash it?” Reinhardt asked. “It’s a wood wall, right?”

“Reinhardt, for the  _ last time _ ,” Jesse groaned exasperatedly. “You have a  _ sword _ .”

“I know! I run through the wall!” 

Jesse seemed to short circuit for a moment. Lena and Ana looked equally delighted.

“I’m in Hybrid form, remember?” Reinhardt said. Jesse nodded, but he looked flabbergasted.

“I--but--Reinhardt--”

“I run through the wall!”

“Okay.” Jesse threw his hands up in the hair. “Oryx, Bowie? Either of you gonna help him run through an entire fucking wall?” 

“No, I kind of want to see if he can do this himself.” Ana said.

“Yeah, same.” Lena nodded.

“Oh, my god. Alright, make a strength check against the fucking  _ wall _ .” 

“Nineteen! Plus two is twenty-one!” Reinhardt crowed.

“No, no way, that’s bullshit.” Jesse leaned over his barrier. Seeing that Reinhardt was telling the truth, he huffed a curse. “Jesus  _ fucking _ Christ.” 

“That wall doesn’t stand a chance!” Lena cried.

“No, it doesn’t. Wolfram, you run through this thing like it’s fucking  _ butter _ .” Jesse said. 

“OH YEAH!” Reinhardt yelled in character, to a cacophony of laughter.

“I’m actually going to have both Benji and Mirtilo roll a dexterity saving throw to see if they get hit by any of the fucking  _ debris _ you send out as you shatter this wall.”

Both Lúcio and Jesse rolled their dice. Lúcio breathed a sigh of relief.

“Eighteen. Plus two is twenty.”

“You expertly dodge all of the debris. Benji...lordy, oh, Benji.” Jesse shook his head, wincing. “Benji critted.”

“Oh no!” Ana gasped.

“And he takes...ten damage. And he didn’t roll a high constitution roll either. Shame.”

“ _ Riiiiiip _ .” Lena jeered.

“A piece of the wall flies out and whacks him right on the noggin.” Jesse described. “And he sways on his feet, for a second? And he falls over--Mirtilo, you gonna catch him or you gonna try to dodge the five foot elf man crashing towards you?” 

“Catch him, it’ll be romantic!” Ana cried.

“He could get hurt more if I let him fall, he might take that the wrong way. I try to catch him.” Lúcio said eventually.

“Pfft, okay. Keep in mind you’re a _ halfling _ . Roll a strength check.” 

Lúcio rolled his dice.

“Holy shit. Crit. Minus two, that’s an eighteen.”

“ _ Fuck _ yes, that’s good enough. Mirtilo, you catch this motherfucker so well it looks like it came out of a fucking  _ romantic comedy _ .” Jesse clapped his hands together. “There are fucking  _ rose _ petals flying around you. You are giving off sparkles like a shoujo anime boy.”

“I can’t believe I get to witness this beautiful scene.” Ana mimicked wiping a tear from her eye.

“You catch Benji in your arms. And he looks up at you, and he blushes, bright red. He looks almost, lovestruck? Then he passes out.” 

Lúcio thanked the gods he was finally out of that mess.

“Okay, okay.” He said through a sigh of relief. “I--I drag him over to the closet.”

“What!” Jesse cried.

“What are you doing?” Ana asked in character. “I thought you were going to fuck him.”

“What!?” Lúcio replied in character. 

“I heard you two flirting through the wall.”

“I’ll explain later.” Lúcio waved his hands. 

“Are you going to fuck him in the closet?”

“No! No fucking!” Lúcio threw his hands up, amidst the laughter of the table. “I’m not--I’ll explain later! For now, let’s just get him out of the way. If Goldsbane sees him he might hurt him, or something. I dunno.”

“I guess you gotta put him someplace you’ll remember.” Lena nodded, grinning.

“It’s not like that, oh my god!” Lúcio cried. “Look--I, I open the closet, and I drag him in, and, and I’m just like: I’m sorry, dude, really sorry. I know what the closet is like and I hate to put you in there, or back in there, depending, but we don’t know where this guy is, and he might hurt you. I’m sorry, but in the closet you go.”

The other four at the table were laughing uproariously.

“So you dump him in the closet?” Jesse asked through his laughter.

“Absolutely. And I close the door.” Lúcio said. In character: “So sorry, honestly, it was a great talk, I really enjoyed it. Call me!”

More laughter.

“Let’s just, find Goldsbane, okay?” Lúcio asked with an exasperated smile. Out of the corner of his eye he looked to the windowsill. To his surprise, Genji was gone. Again, Lúcio breathed a sigh of relief. Maybe he had missed the worst of that. In terms of embarrassing oneself in front of a crush, Lúcio had to rank that experience as one of the  _ worst _ ways of doing so.

* * *

 

“Okay, so I’ve got some ideas on how we can beat Goldsbane, if we just--”

“Hey, hey, you know the rules.” McCree cut Lena off. “No tabletalk outside the table!” 

Lena grumbled but acquiesced.

The group was heading off to bed, it being  _ very _ late at night now, as if it wasn’t before. Lúcio trailed at the back, yawning. Suddenly he felt a strange shiver go up his spine. He turned and looked over his shoulder, but before he could say a single goddamn thing--

Genji hefted him over his shoulder like a sack of potatoes and  _ bolted. _

Lúcio screamed involuntarily as his world swung around from the jostling. Instead of help, he heard Ana sigh warmly. He couldn’t hear what she said.

(“Ah, young love.” She said. “Nice work, Jesse.” 

“I had no choice--someone had to put an end to their pining.” Jesse shrugged. “Opportunity knocked, who was I to not take advantage?”)

“Put me down, Genji!” Lúcio yelled, struggling. “What the hell, man?”

Genji ran around a corner, and finally set Lúcio down against a wall.

“Apologies.” Genji said, tilting his head. “It seemed the most...effective way to get you alone.”

“Ha ha, bull shit.” Lúcio deadpanned. “Very funny. Nice try.”

He made to leave, but Genji suddenly slapped a hand out against the wall, blocking him in.

“I did want to get you alone for a reason.”

“You realize there are less skeevy ways, right?”

“Ah, but this was the most fitting, in my opinion.” Lúcio could hear the smirk in Genji’s voice. “I swear, I have no bad intentions.”

Lúcio sighed.

“Yeah, yeah, I know. Jesse’s joke--wait, fuck, how much did you hear?” His stomach dropped.

Genji inclined his head a little, and that was all Lúcio needed to see. He ran his hands through his hair and his heartbeat picked up. Genji had heard  _ all _ of that? Fucking  _ shit _ .

“Fuck, shit, man, I’m so sorry, if that like, made you uncomfortable, it was all roleplaying, Jesse was being a total shithead, I’ll talk to him, make sure it never comes up again--”

“Lúcio, it is fine.” The ninja chuckled. “No bad intentions, remember? Not the kind you should be worried about.”

Lúcio let out a laugh at that, but it was weak. He didn’t need all that embarrassing fake flirting thrown back at him. Definitely not by his crush. Who thought it was all a joke.

“I appreciate the compliments about my eyes though. Never heard them compared to gold, of all things.” Genji gestured with his hand for emphasis. “And I do have to say, your name  _ is _ very lovely.” 

Lúcio frowned, because as much as that would make him blush, it just stung. Genji was just echoing lines from the game. What was he expecting? Lúcio to just copy his lines back? Like some kind of joke? Having to do it with Jesse pretending to be Genji was embarrassing enough.

“Thanks.” He said stiffly.

“Now, there’s no Reinhardt to crash through the wall, knocking me into your arms, but I’m sure there’s some other  _ arrangement _ \--”

That was it.

“ _ Alright _ .” Lúcio snapped, shoving Genji back. “Enough! I get it.”

“Really? You--”

“No. Stop. This is my Mage Hand. Back off.” Lúcio shoved against Genji until the ninja backed up. “Just.  _ Stop _ . Okay?”

“Lúcio?” 

“It’s not funny!” Lúcio shouted, trying to ignore the pain in his chest. “Alright? I get it. Jesse played a dumb joke and it put me on the spot. If you’re not interested, just say it to my fucking face, don’t make fun of me for it!” 

The ninja was struck silent. Good, Lúcio didn’t want to hear another painful joke from him. He turned around the corner and started stalking back off towards his room.

“Wait, Lúcio!”

“Leave me alone, Genji. I get it. We’ll just pretend it never happened.” Lúcio mumbled over his shoulder.

“No! No no no no no no.” Genji ran after him, grabbing his wrist. Lúcio tried to wrench away, refusing to turn and look at the man, but he was too damn strong. “Lúcio, please.”

“I don’t want to hear it.” Lúcio hissed. “I don’t need you mocking me.”

“No!” Genji cried. “Lúcio, I didn’t mean--”

“It was just a joke. Ha. We all laughed. Please let me go.” Lúcio tried to keep his voice steady. It was getting hard. Genji did, but only because he dashed in front of Lúcio to stop him, the clatter of something metal following his footsteps. Lúcio’s eyes widened.

Genji had taken his faceplate off and dropped it to the ground. 

And he looked heartbroken.

“Lúcio, I’m sorry, I’m so sorry, please listen.” The man begged, seizing Lúcio’s shoulders gently. “I didn’t mean it the way you think I did, I didn’t mean to hurt you, that wasn’t what I was trying to do at all.” 

Lúcio frowned warily. Genji pressed on.

“I’m telling the truth, I swear. I didn’t--I was trying to do the opposite. I was trying to tell you that I  _ am _ interested.”

“What?” Lúcio tried to step back a little, but Genji didn’t let go.

“I’m so sorry, I just--I didn’t know how you felt, so I didn’t say anything. And then tonight, Jesse was obviously trying to make that character me, and the way you were reacting, I just, you felt the same--I thought you’d find it funny--I’m so sorry, I never meant to hurt you.”

“Back up, back up.” Lúcio shrugged out of Genji’s hold, waving his hands. “You felt the same?”

“Yes!” Genji nodded desperately. “I--I’m sorry, I haven’t done--or felt--like this, in forever, I didn’t know how to go about it--but I  _ like _ you, Lúcio. Like-like. “LI: Love Interest” like. I  _ swear _ .”

“You’re not joking?” Lúcio still said, still unsure.

“Never. Not with things like this. Not with you. I…” Genji trailed off, biting his cheek. He exhaled. Quick as lightning, he pressed a soft kiss to Lúcio’s cheek.

“I’m sorry.” Genji said again, looking away. In the dim light of the hall, Lúcio could see the man blushing. Holy hell. All the pain in his chest was being replaced by something impossibly light. Impossibly risky. Hope.

“You mean it?”

“I do. All my heart. Mefathiel strike me down.” Genji huffed, still looking away. Lúcio stepped forward, still an ounce of trepidation in his gaze.

“How can I trust you?”

Genji’s head shot up, looking at him disbelievingly--then the understanding dawned. He gave Lúcio a weak smile, and he reached out to take Lúcio’s hands in his own. 

“Because I am literally disarmed and at your mercy.” He answered softly. 

Lúcio smiled. He jerked Genji forward into a tight hug. Genji started, and hesitated, before letting his arms wrap around Lúcio as well, and his chin rest on Lúcio’s shoulder.

“I’m sorry.” He repeated.

“For the record, you really  _ are _ out of the game if you’re trying to take seduction techniques from Dungeons and Dragons.” Lúcio said, practically shaking from the relief. He could feel Genji shake with silent laughter.

“That’s fair. Though I have to say, you’re quite adept. I thought you’d see me vent.”

“You were venting?” Lúcio eyed Genji’s shoulders, where the vents in question were. “Shit man, if only I had seen that. I would have felt a lot better, knowing I wasn’t the only one embarrassed by that.”

“Embarrassed, yes. Flattered, also yes. Flustered, definitely yes.” Genji said.

Lúcio laughed out loud.

“I’m still gonna maintain what Jesse did was cruel and unusual.”

“As funny as it is in hindsight?”

“Yes. I gotta figure out a way to exact revenge on him.”

“I might be able to help.” Genji pulled away without letting go, grinning. “I kind of like this Benji guy...my Dungeons and Dragons skills are pretty rusty, but I’m sure I could brush up quick.”

“Oh my god, yes. You should totally join our campaign. You and Ana together would make Jesse’s life a living hell.” Lúcio grinned in return. 

“Sounds like a plan.” 

“Wait, are you gonna change the name?”

“Nope. I like Benji.”

“Of course you do. I like Genji better though.” Lúcio leaned up and pressed a kiss to Genji’s cheek. This time the ninja’s shoulders vents did pop.

“You see? This is what I meant by you being adept at flirting.” 

Lúcio laughed, and Genji joined in.

**Author's Note:**

> I wrote this all day Sunday, without intending it to get this long. But look at it. I'm so proud. Even if when I squint Jesse sounds like Griffin.
> 
> Now that I think about it, 90% of this was inspired by TAZ, 9% by my own interest and (hopefully) eventual experience in D&D, and 1% Critical Role.
> 
> Anyways if y'all were interested in the D&D world I crafted for this ridiculous fanfic:
> 
> Reinhardt is playing the human lycanthrope fighter Wolfram "Wunder Hund" Hasslehauf.  
> Ana is playing the tiefling wizard Oryx Fingletingleberger (the "tingle" is silent).  
> Lena is playing the half-elf rogue Davis Bowie (who, despite what the name suggests, sounds an awful lot like John Lennon).   
> Lúcio is playing the halfling (kind-of-famous) bard Mirtilo Lusime (yes, "Mirtilo" means something).  
> And, yes, Genji will play the paladin-ninja elf Benji Lmao (it's pronounced "leh mow").  
> Jesse is a very beleaguered DM, be he takes joy (and mostly schadenfreude) where he can get it.
> 
> Thank y'all for reading, hope you enjoyed! ^u^


End file.
